The strange habit of devouring. Huh. Where should I start with this?
I'm a food blogger and a food lover who happen to have been struggling with the balance of eating right and in moderation. So,to see myself having a complicated relationship with something that I truly am passionate about makes me frustrated and I am so tired of it. Though, it's hard to explain to you how I'm struggling with loving my body, gaining self-love, but being able to enjoy delicious food at the same time. I'll try.
I'm struggling with eating habit. I love food. I spend most of my time thinking about it. But no matter what I swallow down on my throat, I get frustrated and start to think if the food that I just swallow down is really healthy or if it's too much. These thoughts was nothing at first, but after a while, I've noticed that they've taken control the most part of my brain and have taken a permanent resident in my head which has an impact on me in everything I do, and everywhere I go. Even when I had a small candy, I got really upset and started to plan on what I should eat in the next meal that can be as low of calories as possible. Suddenly I would feel so much under-pressure, got mad at myself, and ended up stuffing myself with whatever food I had on hand.
I've been on this journey for way too long. Sometimes, it's good 'cause I feel like I got pushed to be eating healthier. Sometimes, not so great. I consider 'The feeling over my own eating habit' as a friend whom I enjoy her company from time to time, but find her being so hard to live with.
But what is healthy anyway?
I think I don't even fully understand the whole meaning of this word,but I became so attach to the word that I forgot to enjoy the real purpose of food and failed to understand how being healthy should be like. I love food (I say that again even though I think you're aware of that fact) ,but the way I enjoy it somtimes (many times) had given me no good. That's confusing. I know. Let me try again. I love food so much that everytime I eat, it takes me a whole lot of control to be able to eat in the right amouth of food. And when I start to repeat over over and over in my head not to eat so much, I get frustrated and somehow annoyed, and ended up stuffing myself til I can't put down anything down my little beautiful throat. :P Then, I feel I've conquered whatever inside of me that were trying to boss me around and telling me what to do 'cause I believe I can do whatever I want. I won. Then after a fews seconds, I always find myself to feel angry for not listening to that boss, and ended up feeling guilty for stuffing those food down on my throat. Then again, I feel upset and frustrated. Uh, I hate this words for reminding me of those feeling I felt then. Sorry, I'm not here to be complaining. I 'm here to tell y'all who might happen to be in the same situation as me that I'm starting new. I'm learning, and I hope I find not just one but tons of reasons to enjoy food as it is the best thing on earth created to be enjoyed and to be eaten in moderation, again. A friend of mine (Mama Nouie) said once : "Food is suppose to be enjoyable and makes you happy. You eat it because it makes you happy. Never feel guilty of eating good food,daughter!" I think I'll try to let loose and eat whatever I feel like, and just be Happy. I'm sure that way, I will be less emotional when it comes to eating and I'll be happy eating food again. 'Cause really, that's the way of life. Cheers on that. Cling.- Katy.
Have a really really beautiful day.
